The Return of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Hey folks! Today we're featuring an article from our lovely guest blogger, Abbey Fatica. Abbey is a WAHM (Work At Home Mom) to two children. She is from Columbus, Ohio. Abbey authors her website, Living My MoMent, where she supports blogs and businesses, one mom at a time.

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Just the other night, as I was proofreading a paper for my sister's English Class about Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde I realized that this first week being home with a new baby has turned me into this person.


This first week has gone much smoother than I had originally expected, but there are some nights where Baby Jake just doesn't want to sleep after he's been fed. He looks at me with his big blue eyes and just looks around the room. And how can I not just look back lovingly into his eyes. But after being awake from 3-6 am, it takes a toll on me the next day.


The problem with this late night partying lies later in the day about 6pm. This is where I hit a wall and my personality takes a 180 degree turn for meansville. I truly try and be as nice and patience as I can with Luci but after the 10,000th "NO" that comes out of her mouth, I just can't take it anymore.


These are the days where I have to remind myself to love her even more than I already do and realize that she is also transitioning and having to make changes with us bringing Jake home. I do feel though that some of her outbursts are merely that of a child who is approaching the age of two and have nothing to do with Jake. Mostly, because they take place when he is sleeping or I am not paying attention to him at all at the moment.


I, now see why parents use time out as a way to discipline their child. At this age, she doesn't really understand the concept of time out and so I literally have to hold her down in my lap and talk gently to her. This is where I tell her that she can get down if she stops crying, which sometimes makes her wail even louder. Having to deal with a screaming toddler on top of getting little to no sleep, recuperating from pushing an almost 8 pound baby out of me and just adjusting to life in general is what makes this Dr. Jekyll turn in Mr. Hyde.

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The Single Parent, The Aftermath of a Divorce

Creating a New Sense of Belonging
The single parent can ask 5 questions, to which; the answers can increase their children's sense of responsibility in this new family structure.

1. What have I done for my children that they could learn to do for themselves? (The provision question)
   
   
   
2. What am I keeping my children from doing that they could learn to do for themselves? (The protective question)
   
   
   
3. What responsibilities will they need in order to master later independence that I could start teaching them now? (The preparation question)
   
   
   
4. What service contributions to the operation and maintenance of the family could each child make? (The participation question)
   
   
   
5. What good ideas for working and playing together might the children have to offer that would create a more enjoyable and effectively functioning family? (The possibility question)

Holding Family Meetings
For the first year of single parenting, it can be worthwhile to hold family meetings at a regular weekly time during which the operation of family can be discussed by all, and ideas for improvement can be shared.

In addition to helping everyone stay on the same page, the role of family meetings is to provide children with a mechanism for creating and investing int he definition and operation of family. Children feel most invested in, and committed to, supporting that which they helped create.  

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FACING DIVORCE AS AN ONLY CHILD

An only child, being the recipient of all the affection, attention, and attachment that parents have to offer, often has more to lose in divorce than do children who are used to sharing what parents have to give and can depend on siblings for companionship and support. The only child must go through divorce alone.

Parental divorce is disillusioning to an only child:

"How can my parents who love me so much bear to cause me such pain? I can't trust them anymore. Now my family is broken, and I'm going to have to look out for myself!"

The Pain of Parental Divorce
When divorce occurs, an only child feels caught in the middle between two loved and loving parents who no longer love each other, an excruciating place to be. Now, the downside of the child's intimacy with parents can be strongly felt.

Parents cannot divorce each other, without divorcing their only child, who loses the secure sense of feeling embedded in the parental relationship. The threesome in which she played such a central role, is no more.

Competing for the Only Child's Affections
It is very common for divorcing parents to vie for loyalty of their only child, lobbying the maintain the primary attachment.

Divorced parents who insist on competing with each other to be "most valued parent" in their only child's life create a losing contest all the way around. The child is in a game of favourites, a losing game because to appear to like one parent better create the appearance of valuing the other less. In addition, the child now feels like a prize to be won, rather than just a child to be loved.

The parents create a contest between each other that gets in the way of collaboration for the sake of the child, neither willing to cooperate if that might give the other some competitive edge. To support the other parent creates the risk of undercutting one's advantage with the child.

Stopping the Competition
What helps absolve the competition, is realizing that there is none.

When it comes to the only child's affections, divorced parents can declare that there is no competition between them. The two parental relationships are simply valuable in difference ways, and always will be. In addition, each parent wants the child to have the full benefit of both, not just the partial benefit of one.


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EXPERIENCING DIVORCE IN CHILDHOOD

Childhood is usually said to be a strong dependence period of children on family, parents, and home. In this sense, the children are more strongly connected through the family, as opposed to other age groups.

During their childhood years, children tend to be family-focused; their parents are their favoured company, and their home is the preferred place to be. When faced with divorce at this time of age, the loss of these security and connections create grief and insecurity.

As mentioned, insecurity and anxiety tend to predominate the issues of primary concern when parents divorce. Because family feels so out of control when parents divorce, children strive to get some control back. They will often seek control by engaging in regressive behaviour.

Divorce, however, is so frequent today, that it is among children's most common fears. To the fearful child, angry conflict is equated with loss of love, and loss of love, with the marriage ending. Thus, for many contemporary children, parental divorce is a bad dream come true.

Scaring the Child with Safety?
It is normal for a child to have fears of further loss as a consequence of parental divorce and to act more anxious, insecure, and clinging on that account. It is also normal for a single parent to want to reassure the child by making the new family situation as safe as possible. What the parent has to watch out for is scaring the child with the safety precautions he or she is taking and all the reassurances he or she is making.

Instead of alleviating the child's anxiety over safety, act with acceptance, trust, and confidence, and your child will learn to do the same.



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BREAKING THE NEWS ABOUT DIVORCE

In general, if both parents have agreed on divorce, it is best to tell the children together. This shows of unity signifies that although the connection between them as married partners is soon to be over, the connection between them as parents in unbroken. They still share a common interest in the children, and will continue to work together to help the children grow.

Telling Children the News
Keep your presentation as simple, and specific, as possible. The words you speak should help your children to understand the decision you have made and to anticipate further actions to come. This life changing announcement sets the framework and the tone for ongoing communication to follow. 

Here are some basic information you may want to include:

• Why the divorce is happening?
  
• How the divorce will work?
  
• Who will be in charge?
  
• Which will be the place of primary residence?
  
• When things will happen?
  
• What else will change?

When should parents seek counseling to help a child talk out hard feelings?
When the child is experiencing:

• emotionally disturbed behaviour (daily nightmares, constant anxiety, for example)
  
• self-defeating behaviour (failing in school, getting into fights/trouble, for example)
  
• self-destructive behaviour (isolation, substance abuse, for example).
  

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