It's best to start with a proactive approach. You do so by building up a reservoir of positive interactions that tell your children that you love them. This is critical because when your children misbehave and you correct their behaviour, they'll more likely remedy their ways because deep in their hearts, they sense that you've got their best interest in mind. They'll truly want to live up to your expectations for better behaviour.
If one day, should you blow it, say things you don't mean, and are too harsh or punishing, your relationship will recover quickly, because of the huge positive reservoir of love and trust you've built up between you and your child.
5 proactive parenting approaches
If you are a parent who nags, yells, or gets frustrated with children who do not behave, it is time to incorporate these 5 proactive approaches into your parenting repertoire. By using them daily, without ever using any more hand-and-fast disciplinary techniques, your children's behaviour will instantly improve, guaranteed! Give at least one a try today. By doing so, you'll instantly experience more joy in parenting.
- Child leads the play: 15 minutes a day, no strings attached
Say to your child, "For the next 15 minutes, we're going to spend time together. What we do is up to you. You're the boss."
Does the thought of putting your child in charge scare you? If you can set your parenting fears aside for 15 minutes a day, and let your child be the boss, you'll be using the first approach in your proactive parenting.
Parents might worry that their child would then choose to colour on walls, or eat junk food nonstop for the entire 15 minutes. It's unlikely. Usually children choose building with blocks, creating with art materials, or playing a game.
Lets say your child decides to build a tower with blocks. Once he begins, then you construct a tower too. You might be tempted to make yours more elaborate, but don't. Just make your building resemble your child's. By imitating him, you flatter him; he's then inspired to build more.
If your child choses a game to play, let your child determine the rules even if they are not what the creators intended.
If it'sartwork, copy your child's picture and do what he does with markers, glue, scissors, etc...
As the playtime progresses, let your child lead the conversation. Avoid giving commands or asking questions. If you feel the need to talk more, provide a play-by-play account of your child's appropriate behaviour. Your child actually takes your description as a compliment, not only reinforcing but prolonging her positive behaviour.
There is one more added bonus for you. As you watch and describe your child taking control of this play situation, you are likely to see her with new eyes as the competent children she is. Then you'll find that this "letting your child lead an activity" will spill over into other parts of the day. You will be more willing to let your child take charge while you step back, watch, and describe. Your child's competent behaviour mushrooms, and the ripple effect is in place!
- Affirmation
No matter what their age, children really need affirmation. A child who isn't affirmed is left with a feeling of wanting. What is she wanting? Recognition- first for who she is, and second for what she does.
If you are good at affirming your children, pat yourself on the back. If you are not sure, read on! Affirming children is a skill any parent can acquire.
Your baby just learned to make a sound using her fist and mouth. She makes the sound; you may it back with your fist in mouth. She makes the sound again; you do the same again and again, copying her every time. Copying what she can do affirms her newly acquired skill.
Your toddler wants to play with a jack-in-the-box. You turn the crank and watch the jack pop out. Your toddler is surprised, so you show surprise too. You do so until the child tires of the game. It may take 40 times, but by repeating the play, you affirm the child's interest in objects disappearing and reappearing.
Your preschool aged child wants her friend to go back home. Instead of scolding her about the importance of being a good friend, you affirm her by saying, "It doesn't sound like you are Lucy are having fun. Come in the kitchen, I'll get out the playdough." Your affirming response saved the play date.
The affirmed child feels confident, self-assured, loved, and naturally works toward better behaviour. The child who doesn't receive supportive affirmation looks for approval, as she doesn't know where she stands. The affirmed child, in time, learns to affirm herself, no longer needing it from her parents.
- The gradual turning over of power and control.
Wouldn't it be great if children were perfectly complaint until they moved out of the house? As children travel the developmental years, they seek to grasp, bit-by-bit, more control of their lives.
Parenting is a gradual turnover of power and control from the parent to child. When parents determine just how to do it, they're using the third proactive parenting approach.
At about 18 months, children discover they have a mind of their own and go overboard daily to prove it. The 8 to 10 year old age span are the "turnover" years. This is when the sift of power from the parent to the child reaches the halfway mark. For some parents and children, this shift is gradual and graceful. For others, it involves lots of power struggles over who is in charge, parent, or child.
The best way to sidestep power plays while slowly turning power and control over to children is to offer them choices and decision-making abilities appropriate to their age without jeopardizing their safety or your family values.
Once preschool aged, a child can choose which toys to play with, picture to draw, food to eat, and clothes to wear. School aged children decide between soccer and swim team, ballet and gymnastics.
By allowing this gradual turnover of power and control, your child will feel competent and that she is in control. Better behaviour will follow!
A word of caution: Two year olds do not understand choices. If you ask a toddler if he wants pancakes of waffles, he'll want both. So avoid offering toddlers choices, but when it seems okay, go along with their demands. - What does a gentle touch do?
3 things happen when parents gently touch their children.
1 - Touch communicates unconditional love and acceptance without saying a word.
2 - Touch is a control device for discipline.
3 - Gentle touch, massage, and loving strokes help bring a child's out-of-control body into control. Parents can use gentle touch as children gets older too.
All children get that frazzled out-of-control feeling; touch helps them regain control. And some children just need more hugs, pats, and cuddles than others.
Of course, sometimes, children resist touch. When they are angry, they stomp away and want to be alone. Respect this but keep listening. As the child's wails turn to whimpers, that's your signal to draw your child onto your lap for holding and rocking.
You can't force a child to be touched. But parents, challenge yourselves to find that right moment when your child is receptive to holding, massage, or pats. Children need it just as they need food, sleep, exercise, and a stimulating environment.
The bonus for all these hugs comes when you've had a lousy day; you feel frazzled and out of control, and your child just naturally sees your need for a hug and can give it spontaneously with ease. - Quality time
Quality time is reading the same story over and over because your toddler insists. It's letting your preschooler help make a pie even when your in-laws are coming for dinner. It's pulling yourself away from watching a live match to fix your child's broken toy.
Quality time is now. It's taking time away from your agenda to focus on your children. Let's start to think of quality parenting rather than quality time. This involves full range of your parenting responsibility.
You can be a quality parent even though you're busy. The key is to know when to step in and get involved with the necessary and sometimes messy, time-consuming parts of being a parent and when it's time to back off.
This level of quality that parents seek involves occasionally setting your needs aside for the needs of your children. It's giving up of yourself for your child, but it doesn't mean giving up your life. The key is to now when to put your needs aside.
When children have troubles with school or friends, parents want them to talk about it, so they can console and counsel them. But without a solid relationship base, the children won't come for those crucial moments when you really need to be involved.
Quality parenting often involves knowing when to seek professional advice to make it through the rigors of parenting with dignity.
Being a quality parent has a lot to do with seizing opportunities to clear your mind so thatyou can concentrate on your child to assure her she's important.
Tomorrow, we're cracking into managing behaviour.
1 comments:
I know so many parents who need this advice.
Post a Comment