You've either experienced it, or witnessed it, a mom and a toddler at the grocery store. Mom is trying to do her shopping. Toddler is trying to touch, open, smell, and taste everything, and take it home. When she's told to stop this, the classic temper tantrum takes place- wails, screams, tears, and flailing arms and legs.
It is so embarrassing. Everyone's staring at you, criticizing you, and judging you. You would like to cry and flee. But you know you can't do that. Thankfully, there are other options. But realize, once a temper tantrum has taken off in a public place, there are few perfect solutions.
You can go to the car and let the child calm down, and try shopping again in a few minutes. Or you can go home, and shop when you can be yourself. Or you can zoom around the aisles with the wailing child and get your shopping done as quickly as possible, ignoring all the glares and raised eyebrows.
Can such scenes by avoided? Is this normal?
Some tantrums can be avoided, and yes, for children between 18 months and 3 years tantrums are normal. Toddlers have between 3 to 5 tantrums a day, while preschool aged children have about one per week. Young children simply have a low tolerance for frustration. When they want to complete a puzzle, but can't, they scream.When they are having fun playing and it is suddenly time for bed, they stomp.
Toddlers do not have the skill to express their feelings in words. So they show their frustrations with rage.
When children are tired or hungry, tantrums come more easily. Shopping malls, restaurants, and grocery stores are inappropriate environments for most young children. Here children are expected to behave beyond their age and ability. While this happens, tantrums occur with frequency.
To reduce the chance of your child having a temper tantrum, give her lead time from one activity to the next.
If you take your child to a restaurant, make sure she is rested and fed. Also, bring along a simple activity, and plan to attend to your child rather than your meal.
Shopping can be successful if you have lots of time to include your child in the outing. Talk about what you are seeing and doing, and let your child "help."
However, sometimes, tantrums just cannot be avoided. Here's a typical scene. Your child wants a cracker. You sit her at the table, get a cracker, and it breaks as you set it on the table. The child expected a whole cracker, not a broken one, a tantrum erupts. Once begun, it will probably have to run its course. Don't desert or isolate the tantruming child; you need to stay near to provide emotional protection. Yet, you do not want to offer undue attention either. It's a fine line you walk!
Avoid trying to talk your child our of his tantrum. He can't hear reason, logic, or explanations when throwing a tantrum. Try to resist throwing one yourself, although sometimes you'll feel like it.
Some children need to be held during their tantrum. This helps them get over it, because being so out of control is scary. This approach is tough, but you must try to hold the flailing child while keeping yourself emotionally detached.
Some children at the height of the tantrum refuse comfort, but as the wails reduce to whimpers, that's your signal to move in with hugs, holding and rocking.
All children need parents to reflect their feelings. Since you are using words, in time, your child will too.
How to guarantee a tantrum
There are 3 factors that keep tantrums occurring beyond the normal age range:
- If a parent gives in to a child's demands. If you buy that bag of cookies at the grocery store that your child wants to stop that tantrum, your child will learn quickly that tantrums are the key to getting what she wants.
- If parents throw tantrums when angry and frustrated, children will too. If you express these feelings in a civilized way with words, your children will eventually learn by your example.
- If tantrums are given lots of attention, they will become an uncontrollable monster. Children need attention; give it to them when they exhibit positive, pleasant behaviour.
A young child's life is filled with frustration. There's no way to eliminate feelings of frustrations, nor would you want to. Children will not learn to function in this world, if parents are constantly trying to make it frustration-free. But once your child can express this frustration with words rather than tantrums, you'll breathe a deep sigh of relief.
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