In the tension leading up to divorce, parents often do not communicate with each other very constructively, and they can create a family system in which communication to and from children may not work very well. During marital discord, parents may not tell children what they need to know and may not attend to what children have to say.
It's not that parents mean to be unkind. They are often absorb by painful feelings, engaged in stubborn conflicts, and facing hard decisions. In divorce, as with any other hard major family changes, the well-being of children depends not so much on what they are going through as on how they are going through it; and that how depends on communication. Families in which spoken communication is handled well allow children to stay informed, keep parents informed, and feel connected during a disruptive time.
Staying Informed
About how your child is processing the divorce. Listen to your child explain the how, when, why, and what. By hearing them, parents can figure out what the child needs to know, and more importantly, where they can dispel errors and painful disbeliefs.
Restoring Broken Communication
When family communication breaks down before divorce, it can be rebuilt after the divorce is over. One way is to formally create a nightly basis of sharing feelings. First the parents shares, and then prompts the child to share. Make regular communication an established and expected part of single-parent family life.
The Perils of a Broken Communication
- Others' ignorance may cause the child to be misunderstood.
- Lack of input leads to loss of influence.
- Refusing to request information can result in anxious ignorance.
- Taking any treatment without objection leads to accepting what is not okay.
- Agreeing when not in agreement leads to living on other people's terms.
Encourage Your Child to Speak Up
- First, model speaking up. Parents who routinely speak out, often have children who learn to do the same for themselves.
- Second, support speaking up. Parents who take the time to pay attention to speaking up by listening with interest often have children who value being known.
- Third, keep speaking up safe. Parents who are careful to refrain from criticism, anger, ridicule, or sarcasm in response to their child's communication often have children who have no fear of speaking up.
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